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October 21, 2025

17 April Hari Pembantaian Caleg

17 April Hari Pembantaian Caleg
Pemilihan Umum di San Fransisko, AS (13/4/2019). Di San Fransisko, AS kotak suara diganti bahan acrylik transparan
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Oleh : Susetyo Jauhar Arifin 

Tepat sebulan lalu, yang disebut pesta demokrasi telah berkembang menjadi pesta pora yang sesungguhnya.

Dan bagian terbaiknya (atau terburuknya tergantung posisi sampeyan) adalah rakyat pemilih hingga ke pelosok, yang sering dianggap masih lugu, berhasil dengan cerdik menipu 3 hingga 6 caleg sekaligus. Semua caleg diambil uangnya, pilihan mbuh kemana.

Pengakuan malu-malu dari para Caleg pasca kejadian perkara: 60% targetnya meleset, bahkan ada yang sampai 90% duitnya hilang. Ampun masyarakat…

“Rasain! Siapa suruh sebar uang ke pemilih” kira-kira demikian respon awam atau para idealis A.K.A. pembenci politisi.

Masalahnya adalah, ini sudah menjadi jebakan massal, budaya baru yang diyakini hingga strata paling bawah. Emak-emak polos di dapil paling terpencil pun menuntut hal yang sama, “masa gak ada uang es-nya pak”. Atau petani yang melogikan uang saku ke TPS sebagai pengganti ongkos buruh tani sehari “kan hari itu kami tak ke sawah” dst dst.

Tapi kenapa sampeyan ambil semua amplop dari setiap Caleg yang datang jika hanya butuh uang es..?
“Itu bukan salah kami… itu salah teman kami yang jadi tim bapak”

Lalu muncullah satu rumus baru (mungkin juga sudah agak lama)
“Memberi belum tentu dipilih. Tak memberi, pasti tak dipilih”. Ini namanya Hukum Simalakama Caleg.

Hukum kedua yang muncul adalah, pemilu itu sebenarnya satu persamaan matematika sederhana. Jika sampeyan pengen dapat 1.000 suara, maka sampeyan harus buang 2.500 amplop karena pasti ada faktor X sebesar 60% yang hilang ditelan angin. Jika sampeyan dikalahin caleg tetangga yang meraih 5.000 suara, jelas sudah, ia menawarkan 12.500 amplop. Jauh diatas amplop sampeyan. Jangan terlalu difikir biar tidak stres.

Ada juga Caleg setengah tokoh, tapi tak terpilih, yang mengklaim mendapat 25.000 suara tanpa membayar. Jawablah: Itulah kenapa sampeyan tidak jadi, ketokohan sampeyan yang luar biasa itu harganya hanya 25.000, gak cukup untuk dapat 1 kursi, sisanya yang 70.000 suara lagi sampeyan harus bayar. Kecuali sampeyan ini putranya The Founding fathers atau almukarrom nasional. Sesederhana itu.

Maka lengkap sudah, hari itu, 17 April 2019 adalah hari naas para Caleg. Hari pembantaian. Bagi sebagian yang jadi, inilah momentum yang akan diingat sepanjang menjabat: peduli setan, uangku harus kembali. Bagi mayoritas yang belum beruntung hanya bisa misuh-misuh, mbokne Ancuk Masyarakat.

Jadi jelas kan. Demokrasi elektoral kita ini memang ditegakkan oleh pemilih berbayar. Pemilih rasional dan idealis hari itu tak jadi ke TPS, entah kemana….

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